Tips for discernment conversations

AFTER SEVERAL YEARS of using the valuable resource, God, grant me a discerning heart (published and distributed by the National Religious Vocation Conference), I began to innovate with adaptations, techniques, and accompanying resources. The following ideas helped me and—even more important—they helped the candidates I was meeting with. This article is my attempt to gather up what I’ve learned from my own experience and also tap into the wisdom of six other vocation directors, three women and three men. I present these ideas with the hope that they might aid others who practice this ministry of vocational accompaniment. The effort to listen to God’s call is supremely important, and it is our privilege as vocation directors to be part of this sacred journey with people in discernment.

Time, place, and frequency

Of course, many meetings with discerners over the pandemic years were online. Although we have discovered this style of conversation can be helpful, most of us in vocation ministry are relieved to again meet in person. Most of us pace our frequency of meetings according to where discerners are in their own busy lives. Sessions vary, from monthly to bi-weekly. One vocation director commented that the frequency tells him how eager the person is to discover and make a decision. All of us expect discerners to do their own reflection ahead of time on the chosen topic and to share the fruits of that reflection once they arrive at the session.

Using art to enhance the process

Art in any form calls on a different sense of ourselves and of life. This is especially true of someone with artistic skills, but creating simple artwork can be useful to any discerner, along with the assurance that no one will judge the art. The point of creating a drawing is simply to help the person think differently. Here’s how one vocation director uses art. While reading through a scripture reference, the discerner chooses a word or phrase that stands out as she reads it. Much like lectio divina is a process called visio divina, by which the person writes down that chosen word or phrase and then draws around it or decorates it. The process of drawing allows a discerner to linger with the Word and allows the Spirit room to take the reflection further into their heart.

This technique may not resonate with every person considering religious life, but it can be a fruitful exercise, opening up new insights and emotions.

“Zentangles” are another simple artistic expression. They can be drawn while praying the rosary or another prayer. It is a relaxing and fun way to create beautiful images by drawing structured patterns, or “tangles.” By combining dots, lines, simple curves, an individual creates shapes known as Zentangles. This kind of art is unplanned but happens within an easy, structured framework so discerners can focus on each stroke and not worry about the result. The discerner doesn’t need to know what a tangle is going to look like in order to draw it. The result is a delightful surprise, much like the outcome of one’s discernment.

Sometimes using a relevant page in an out-of-date reflection booklet, such as Give Us This Day (Liturgical Press) lets a person circle words that stand out, or draw or doodle around the letters. Another idea is to choose words from fable books. One vocation director copies a page from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams and uses the page with a discerner in the same fashion.

Following the advice of poet Mary Oliver, “Instructions for Living a Life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it,” at the end of the day, a discerner can recall where they noticed or experienced God acting that day and write about the observation in a journal.

Many communities have members who have created art, such as paintings, sculptures, tile work, creative writing, or music. These, too, can be used with discerners to see through the eyes of the artist how God is working in the world and is available to each of us as we discern our next steps in life.

 Images and stories can help us as vocation directors to accept discerners where they are, but not leave them there. Christus Vivit (the document from the 2018 Synod on Young People, Faith, and Vocational Discernment) mentions the stories of what was happening in Jerusalem when Jesus encountered disciples on the road to Emmaus. Discerners’ reflections on images, whether they are verbal or visual images, can move their awareness a step further as they approach the insights they need.

For this kind of reflection process a vocation director might say, “Imagine how Mary was different after God visited her and called her.” (Pause.) “Now imagine how any person is different after they sense a call from God.” (Pause.) “How do you sense you might be called to more than your current involvements in your everyday life?”

 One vocation director says, “I’m always ready to plug in the booklet, God, grant me a discerning heart where it fits into the process. Since I don’t consider myself all that creative, it offers me a steady guide on where to move next with a discerner. I feel free to skip around in the booklet depending on what the discerner needs.”

Picking and choosing topics

Instead of going through the booklet page by page, several vocation directors are selective about which pages to use. Some copy a relevant page and give it to a discerner struggling with or curious about some aspect of his or her life. Another director chooses one of the topics, its quotes and questions as the theme for a college reflection day. Another leads small groups that reflect and share together their responses to the questions.

Several vocation teams brought forward scripture stories about call for discerners to use in personal prayer. Discerners who have never been part of a campus ministry setting sometimes ask questions about how to choose which scripture to use. For this the NRVC office and website store have prayer cards with quotes and scripture references to stories of calling in the Bible. These prayer cards (called “I hope you come to find” cards) are ideal to use in conjunction with God, grant me a discerning heart.

Other vocation ministers find that some discerners need instruction about what is meant by the question “What speaks to you in this scripture?” Discerners seem to find it helpful to learn that not everyone is touched in the same way by scripture quotes. The director can ask, “What it is about this scripture that speaks to you, touches you, or means something to you?” Questions from discerners can convey a willingness to risk being touched by the scripture and be a sign of the person’s inner development through prayer and silence. Keeping the conversation going requires attentive listening and creative questions from the vocation director.

Adapting familiar skills in new ways

Another vocation director says God, grant me a discerning heart is a handbook to use with all discerners. A life-long nurse used to keeping meticulous medical records, he encourages discerners to write down their responses to the questions and reflections. When he meets with a young man, they discuss the questions, and the person in discernment leaves his written reflection behind, eventually creating a portfolio that can be used if he applies for entrance. This director finds that having the discerners’ written response takes their time together to a deeper level and makes the accompaniment relationship that much more profound.

New, but related

Another vocation director has developed short reflection questions, pertinent scripture passages, and a lectio divina process as a way to accompany discerners. He acknowledges that many topics are the same as in the booklet but treated in a way he can use more effectively. He begins with personal and family information, follows with an introduction to discernment and what spiritual direction should be, and then uses the first six of his 12 modules.

If all signs indicate moving forward after session six, the discerner is encouraged to begin the application process. The way he uses the final six modules depends on the relationship he has established between himself and the discerner. This vocation director also holds key discussions based on readings from the community’s founder and spirituality.

With each module, this vocation director invites the discerner’s questions and asks the man what his preparation for the session was like. Did any scripture reference seem vital to the process? He continues to ask about the experiences the discerner has had of the community. What attracts him? What concerns came up that surprised him? This vocation director has found it important to bring to each session fresh questions so the discerner doesn’t arrive overly prepared.

Relationship with the church

Another fruitful area of discussion is what meaning church has for candidates. This includes discussion of ways candidates interact with their local parish community and questions about the influence of the parish community. Some discerners have not been exposed to much understanding about the church beyond the concept of church as people of God. This is especially true since most adults considering religious life were born well after the close of Vatican II in 1965. One vocation director primes the pump for these conversations using magazine articles: “Pope Francis’ critics are dividing the church and families—including mine” (from America) and “Two very different parishes point to divisions in the church” (from U.S. Catholic).

These and other articles can be used for discussion. Much depends on a discerner’s background and involvement with the institutional church. The vocation director will also want to point out how his or her particular congregation lives and ministers within the church. It may benefit discerners to clarify the distinction between the church and its practices and the current political discussions in the media about church teachings. The vocation director can model a way to respond to differences in beliefs and expressions, noting the emphasis on certain teachings at different times in history and among different members of congregations.

Decision-making, challenging skills

One vocation director comments: “Discernment is often between a choice that is good and another choice that is good. That’s why discerners are left wondering which good calls them more.” Here is where it helps if the discerner knows his or her gifts and sees where they can best be used. It’s also valuable to know why the discerner is drawn to some things and not others. Paying attention to what attracts them is an asset in this process, as discerners benefit from feedback on what they are saying.

The vocation director often acts as a coach on the skills of decision-making; how to narrow the options and what to look for in the process. As mentors we tune into what truly matters to the individual. We also bring these parts of ourselves into the relationship. When we know our own strengths and motivations, we can support our discerners in knowing theirs.

Interactions, conversations, questions

When discerners ask us questions, do we have answers for them? It’s usually not hard to respond to questions about our congregation’s incorporation process, and it can help to give candidates something in writing about this process and then walk through it with them.

Deeper questions can challenge even experienced vocation directors: Will I know what God wants? Can I join a religious community even if my parents don’t approve? One vocation director says that she wants to respond at some level to every question, but then she also worries whether the discerner understands the answers she gives. She finds it hard to sense whether they grasp some concepts. It takes reflection on the vocation director’s part afterward to determine whether more conversation will make things clearer.

Another vocation director struggles with how to make questions not sound clinical but instead seem conversational. Discerners will perceive our own genuineness, both in how we phrase our responses and in our timing. For instance, when in the process do you ask, “What do you like about serving in the soup kitchen / being on parish council / reading at Mass?” “If you have discretionary funds, give an example of how you tend to use them.” “Describe your favorite way to pray.”

One more option

One director uses the booklet with a young man who had originally discerned very quickly to enter the community, then left. A few months later, he returned asking to be re-admitted. The vocation director wisely decided to use God, grant me a discerning heart in a series of bi-monthly sessions to slow him down and help him take time to consider the decision more fully. This approach was effective in keeping him from entering since his call seemed to be to another way of life. Sometimes our work with candidates leads them to not choose our way of life, and that’s important too.

I hope these ideas spark your own imagination and help you to develop new approaches for accompanying those in discernment. Life decisions are critical, sacred moments for every Christian.

Sister Tarianne DeYonker, O.P. is a member of the Adrian Dominican Vocation Team and lives in Adrian, Michigan. She also offers creative writing workshops.

Related articles

“Accompaniment for discernment,” by Colleen Campbell and Thomas Carani, HORIZON, Winter 2020.

“Ignatian discernment: insights for you and those you serve,” by Father Timothy Gallagher O.M.V., HORIZON Summer 2018.